2. "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by Bob Rivers (1990)
"The 12 Days of Christmas," the original, has its annoying aspects, including trite repetition and nonsensical lyrics. But it's more than 200 hundred years old, and we respect anything with that kind of longevity. Such respect should not be extended to "The 12 Pains of Christmas," a song parody written by Bob Rivers. Like you, we normally adore song parodies, as they're the height of creativity and a forum for rapier-like wit. Actually that's not true; they're the complete opposite, as evidenced by Rivers' opus, which includes these lyrics: "The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: The Salvation Army/Facing my in-laws/Five months of bills!/Sending Christmas cards/Oh, geez!/I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!/And finding a Christmas tree."
1. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney (1979)
Paul McCartney is one of the greatest songwriters of all time, but someone should have hidden the synthesizer when he started working on this concoction. From the abstract, lazy lyrics—"The mood is right/the spirit's up" (which might have a place in a Viagra ad campaign)—to the cloying refrain of "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime," this synthesizer-infected song is worse than anything Ringo Starr ever did. And that's accounting for the film Caveman.