4. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"—recorded by several artists, including John Mellencamp (1987)

Let's concede that the Santa Claus in this song is probably supposed to be daddy dressed up as old St. Nick, and that mommy is not in fact stepping out on daddy with a fat jolly elf. Adults might deduce that, but kids—especially kids who still believe in Santa Claus—certainly do not. So at best this song is making light of kids' innocence and naiveté and cramming their heads full of confusing sexual images. But yeah, there's nothing cuter than a choir of school kids singing about possible adultery at the Christmas pageant, now is there?

3. "Last Christmas" by Wham! (1984)

Far be it from us to denigrate cheesy holiday songs. After all, there's something inherently cheesy about nearly all of them. But this song by Wham! (a band that unabashedly had an exclamation point in its name) is one cheesy depressing sigh.