10. "Same Old Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg (1981)
Let's be honest, when we're driving alone we all sing along to certain songs we'd never acknowledge knowing while in the presence of others. Maybe "Same Old Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg is one of those songs for you; and maybe it'd be for us, too, if not for a few confounding lyrics. Dan sings about running into an old lover in the grocery store on Christmas Eve. Later they will get a six-pack of beer and drink it in her car. They'll drink a toast to innocence, they'll drink a toast to now. But first they have to make it out of the grocery store. As Dan sings, "We took her groceries to the checkout stand/The food was totaled up and bagged." Never has such an act of minutiae been the beneficiary of such songwriting largesse. The food was totaled up and bagged? We're not sure why that had to be put to music, but thankfully the next line doesn't discuss whether they chose paper over plastic.
9. "Where Are You, Christmas?" by Faith Hill (2000)
Faith Hill is a beautiful singer, and not the type of woman who'll stand by idly when some stranger is getting overly familiar with her man. She earned many people's respect when she chastised a female fan, mid-concert, for groping her husband, Tim McGraw. She sounded reasonable and in the right. Unfortunately when she sings, "Where are you Christmas?/Why Can't I Find You?" she sounds like a crazy person asking after an imaginary friend.
8. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy (1979)
This song is hilarious when you're 10 years old, when the ridiculous, violent death of a grandparent can elicit as many laughs as accidental flatulence. Later, however, you pay closer attention to the lyrics and realize that grandma got run over because she stumbled into the road after mixing eggnog with her meds. Who needs cautionary tales with their Christmas carols? Not us.