Michael Scott has herpes (in the form of a cold sore) so he goes on a quest to contact all of his past lovers to let them know they may have H-I-R-P-E-E-S. He also does some relationship post-mortems and we get a walk down memory lane with Holly, Jan, and the rest of his many women (and...man). The rest of the office gets an Andy Bernard-led sex ed session.
1. "The number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance."
Or so says Andy, who tries to teach the staff about sex under the guise of promoting tolerance for the more promiscuous supplier relations representatives (err...Meredith), but really just wants to find out more about the sexual habits of Erin and Gabe.
2. If you have a baby via sperm-donor, life will be great.
Jan has a new high-powered job, an album of Doris Day covers on her own label, and a really cute kid who goes by the name "Assie." Men are irrelevant.
3. Sex feels unbelievable. And amazing.
And Kevin seems to have a lot of it.
4. Unplanned pregnancy is not actually a negative consequence of sex.
You might get a shotgun wedding at Niagara Falls!
5. The safest way to go skiing is not to ski.
And same with sex. Abstinence is best, although there doesn't seem to be a soul in Scranton who practices it.
6. Women have genitalia too.
And not just Lady Gaga.
7. A pencil is not a good stand-in for a penis when demonstrating condom use.
Find a banana, Andy.
8. Perceptions are personal.
Your "quirky indie movie" fling might be someone else's legitimate relationship. And the person you consider "the one" might think of you as some weird dude she once dated for a few weeks.
9. It's all about heart. Character. Be your best self.
Always go to Daryl for advice. You will always get the same advice. But it will be good.
10. Don't let anyone else delegitimize your emotions.
If you think you found the love of your life and it doesn't work out, it's okay to mourn. Be sad. And who cares if they don't feel the same way? Own the way you feel. Michael gets it and for once, seems pretty healthy. Andy, on the other hand, threw a pizza at the conference room wall. Might it be time for some more anger management training?
The Michael Meter (scale of 1-10, Michael's importance in this episode): 9.8
Best Joke You're Most Likely to Forget: The look of disgust on Angela's face when Phyllis talks about sex being a physical expression of love. She's like a petulant sixth grader.
Prediction of the Week For Who Will be Scranton's Next Regional Manager: Daryl. He gives great advice and is an excellent mediator (see how he suggested that unplanned pregnancy be moved to the "positive consequences" column.)