AUTHOR: Simon Doonan at Slate
LENGTH: 807 words
THESIS: For decades, style has been getting steadily more outrageous. Now, the "Fashion Apocalypse" is upon us.
PROPOSED ACTION: To cover this "dire-but-compelling state of affairs on a biweekly basis," hopefully eliciting laughter
EVIDENCE OF THE APOCALYPSE: "sockless Brooklyn hipsters with Edwardian moustaches [who] make artisanal pickles" and "desperate office chicks" wildly buying handbags and shoes
ON THOSE LAMBOUTIN SHOES: The heels "are so high that they would previously have been worn only by a woman who was lying on her back wearing nothing but the pumps in question and a ball-gag"
SEE SLATE ALLITERATE: "terrifying, titillating, tumultuous ... gloriously glam-obsessed ... deliciously deranged ... Uggs to Ed Hardy ... Lanvin to Lamboutin ... Pauly D to porno-chic ... geriatric groovers ... cacophony of conflicting trends ... maniacal 'must-have' musings ... tattooed ... tarted-up trolls and trollops ... Botox or Balenciaga"
THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE:
Respectable women dressed like the queen, intelligent women dressed like Iris Murdoch, and sassy or common women dressed like my mum/Lana Turner.
THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW:
Mrs. O, despite being a Harvard Law graduate and Christ knows what else, is subjected to the same fashion-police/red-carpet reviews as a cheesy third-string actress.
BEAUTY TREATMENTS HAVE GOTTEN BAD, TOO:
While in the past a gal was happy to dollop a mitt-full of Ponds Cold Cream onto her face and call it a day, she now stops at nothing in her quest to look like a 17-year-old stripper. These days, beauty hounds are talking lipo, skin peels, anal bleaching, fake boobs, vaginal rejuvenation ... and that's just the men!
LINGUISTIC ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE ARTICLE: Managing to get "'ere long," "henceforth," and "WTF" on the same page
This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.