LeBron James Hour: What He's Really Going to Say

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Tonight on ESPN, fans will witness the single most exciting moment in the history of sports.

At a live press conference starting at 9:00 ET, LeBron James will reveal where he plans to play basketball next season. You read that right. Tonight, LeBron reveals whether he stays with the Cavs or heads to the Heat, Knicks, Nets, or Bulls.

Try to contain your excitement.

If you were busy this week—watching sports, for instance — you may have missed the important news that LeBron joined Twitter. He also re-launched his website. The New York Daily News got a major scoop Wednesday by confirming that tonight's LeBron-a-palooza will take place in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Riveting stuff, isn't it?

Oh, sure. If you live in Cleveland, this is a huge deal. LeBron's decision could change your life, not only as a fan, but financially. Or maybe you root for one of the teams courting St. James. For the other 97 percent of us, however, LeBron's free agency is a four-week story that somehow, through rumor, raw hype, and Dwayne Wade's yakking, ballooned into a year-long melodrama and national barber shop debate on the merits of staying in a hometown versus moving to the big city.

Now, for a series finale, we get a live hour of primetime TV press conference/infomercial/ hagiography? Wow. Just ... Wow. Suddenly Brett Favre seems camera-shy by comparison. So does Katy Perry.

With the LeBron-a-thon slouching towards conclusion at last, the time has come for predictions. After months of studying every conceivable salary cap implication, every possible sign-and-trade option, only three even remotely plausible scenarios remain. In reverse order, they are:

3) LeBron James will follow in Michael Jordan's footsteps. Not, however, by playing for the Chicago Bulls, but with two years of playing subpar minor league baseball for the Birmingham Barons.

2) James will use his press conference to admit numerous extramarital affairs, then announce he is taking a break from golf to seek treatment for sex addiction.

1) Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and Amar'e Stoudemire will join LeBron on stage, along with Jay-Z and Rihanna, for a live rendition of Umbrella, after which all four players will announce they are retiring en masse from basketball to pursue a full-time career in music, as a Boyz II Men tribute band in Las Vegas.

In the wildly unlikely event none of the above occur, it's a good bet that James signs a two- or three-year deal with the Cavs, with plans to join the Nets once they get to Brooklyn. Jay-Z might even be there tonight—for real.

Whatever the outcome, LeBron-o-Rama 2010 is almost over, leaving poor fans bereft of the gripping, edge-of-your-seat action that is NBA free agency. Now, we just have to get involved with lame stuff like Major League Baseball's pennant races, the Tour de France and title match for the World Cup. Ho-hum.

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Hampton Stevens is a writer based in Kansas City, Missouri. His work has appeared in The Atlantic, ESPN the Magazine, Playboy, Gawker, Maxim, and many more publications.

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