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SOURCE: The Daily Mash


TONE: Thoroughly satirical


THEME: English self-loathing following a humiliating 4-1 World Cup defeat at German hands


PREREQUISITE BACKGROUND KNOWLEDGE: The English team also, technically, scored a second goal. The ball bounced over the line but was then hauled back, reigniting debate about video replays.


THUS, THE THESIS: Video replays are good. They help determine just how awful the English team really is.


OR, MORE COLORFULLY:


The use of television has been a source of controversy in the sport, but experts insist it offers a fool-proof method for determining whether a team is good at football or whether it is simply a collection of absurdly over-compensated, second-rate commercial brands with ghastly, vulgar wives, locked in a sado-masochistic relationship with a cretinous media that merely reflects a society that has taken its natural intelligence, its sense of perspective and its values and violently drowned them all in a bucket of piss.

REFERENCES TO 'SLASH[ING] ... ACROSS THE ARSE WITH A MACHETE': 1


REFERENCES TO 'PAUL THE PSYCHIC OCTOPUS': 1


NUMBER OF GOALS GERMANY COULD HAVE SCORED: 290


AND A FINAL STAB AT ENGLAND'S SLUGGISH DEFENSE:


Meanwhile, central defender John Terry finally arrived back in England's 18-yard box last night only to find that everyone else had gone home.

He eventually got out of the stadium after climbing over a fence.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.