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AUTHOR: Rick Reilly, ESPN columnist and sportswriting legend


LENGTH: 669 words


SPECIAL OCCASIONS: Reilly's one millionth published word, his final column for ESPN the Magazine


WHICH HE MARKS BY: Eviscerating high school basketball coach Greg Wise


BECAUSE: "Coach Wise is the hammerhead who believes it's his right to toast other basketball teams by 100 points."


THESIS: "Wise is to sportsmanship what tsunamis are to beach chairs."


POSSIBLE PUNISHMENT FOR WISE: "Dipped in seal butter and dropped into a polar bear's cage."


OTHER OPTIONS: "I'd like to clock him"; "I'd like Wise to spend a day as a speed bump in the Lee [High School] parking lot"


VERBS FOR WISE'S LOPSIDED WINS: Thumped, crushing, fricasseeing


OMINOUS PREDICTION: "If Wise doesn't stop, somebody's going to get hurt."


THINGS HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL IS NOT: War, the pros


WHAT REILLY WANTS: "In games against schools with no chance, they need to back off."


WHAT WISE WANTS: "He's after records. He wants teenage scalps."


THE COLUMN'S TITLE: Someone Stop This Man


EXAMPLE OF: Irony


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