I just realized this after reading Ralph Nader--that druken master of Ebonics--give his take on Obama and race. Nader, along with many other penatrating scholars of the black experience, have helped me to understand not just Obama's true nature, but my own. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I used the phrase "black is beautiful"--and wasn't trying to be ironic. I've said my share of awful things about white people, but I've never made it to "Whitey." Now I know I why--it's because I'm not black!

In fact, judging by these standards--which apparently require you to fall somewhere between Maulana Karenga and Jesse Jackson--there are roughly 317 black people in America. All of them live in the projects. All of them earn thier keep by making white people feel bad.

This is such a relief. Now, without any guilt, I can finally get to those keg parties, cucumber sandwiches, and most importantly, white women. Wait, if I were a black man, I'd still be chasing white women...Hmmm, seems there are still some kinks to work out...