Verbatim March 2005 Atlantic Monthly

Rather's Familiar Quotations

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When Dan Rather gives up the CBS News anchor's chair this month, viewers will have to say good-bye to the bizarre colloquialisms that have peppered his broadcasts. A selection:

"Well, we've said it many times—if a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun."

"Are your fingernails beginning to sweat?"

"Let's hit these biscuits with a dab of gravy."

"I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio."

"This [race] is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford."

"… it's Spandex tight."

"… closer than Lassie and Timmy."

"… shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."

"This race is as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride home from the beach."

"Frankly, we don't know whether to run, to watch, or to bark at the moon."

"Turn the lights down—the party just got wilder."

"He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."

"No question now that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire, and the bill collectors at the door."

"His chances are slim right now, and if he doesn't carry Florida, slim will have left town."

"Sip it, savor it, cup it, photostat it, underline it in red, put it in an album, hang it on the wall: George Bush is the next president of the United States."

"When the going gets weird, anchormen punt."