The Perfect Beard

A reader writes:

I have sported a beard for most of my adult life and favor the trimmed "philosopher's beard", championed by Julian the Apostate in an age of the misopogon. At one time I kept it, and my hair, much longer. However, experience has taught me that this style best suits the shape of my face and the growth pattern of the beard. And therein lie the criteria for assessing a beard's merit. 

Plant's is (though technically not a beard, I think) perfectly suited to his face and overall style - the trim is a nice foil to the wild hair. The "jaunty cricketer", on the other hand, just has a lot of beard. While magnificent in its luxuriant density and rich color, its length, bushiness and full growth up the cheeks make his already round head look like a hairy canteloupe. Having observed your taste in beards for some time now, I can only conclude that, as far as beards are concerned at least, you are a size queen, faulting shape, proportion and fit in favor of gross dimension. I suppose that's a valid aesthetic, but, as in other areas, it just seems a fairly crude one for a man of your discernment. Perhaps it's a bear thing.

You bet it is. Actually, I just like 'em real, on nineteenth-century lines. Not too manicured, but not hippie. And if you can't grow one, don't. I'm looking at you, Conan. Letterman's was awesome.

(Photo: Dave from Beards.org.)