Warts and All

A reader scoffs at my plantar wart agony:

The injections aren't the 'nuclear option'. Penis surgery is. When I was younger - my pre-condom days - I contracted warts on my penis from a girlfriend. I was advised to try the various ointments. Nothing worked. Then I started the practice of periodically going in and having a doctor freeze them off with liquid nitrogen. That would work for a while but I had to keep going back.

One day my regular doctors weren't there. So this new chap took a look and before I could do anything, he was trying to swirl my 'johnson' around in the liquid nitrogen. I said: "what the---!?!?" and he said: "But I had to! You have warts all around the edge of your helmet." Idiot. Those little knobby things weren't warts. They were part of my anatomy, and are presumably part of the anatomy of all uncircumcised males.

There's more. I was living in Canada but I moved to England to do postgraduate work in philosophy. One day I went in to see a doctor there - what looked like a small wart had reappeared - and he said he'd found some more ... in the urethral canal. I couldn't tell so I took his word for it, and his word was that I needed surgery. I had the canal scraped out, meaning not only no sex but no erections until everything healed. Try willing yourself to not have an erection in the middle of the night, or whenever. You can imagine how that worked out (about as well as willing oneself to have an erection): ruined sheets, ruined mattress.

So, be glad your warts are where they are, and, er, not somewhere else."

T.M.I.? Not on this blog. And, yes, my foot pain seems much more bearable now.